An honest no is always better than a dishonest yes.
~Christy Wright, author
Business Boutique
This statement from Christy Wright at her recent Business Boutique 1-day event in Atlanta hit me hard. Because I’ve been there! That statement right there is me to a T!
How many times have I said yes to something when I really didn’t want to?
Can I even count the number of times I’ve agreed to something out of guilt and not passion? Did I only give in because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings?
Insert big sigh here.
I know I’m not the only one who has found themselves too busy to have a life because they have over-committed to everyone else’s lives. Can I get an amen?
So what can we do about it?
Self Audit
First, take a step back and look at the activities in your life. Make a list even.
And then get honest with yourself about which of those you chose to make a part of your life.
- Which ones you were guilted into?
- Which ones just slid themselves into your schedule without you really even being aware of it (yes we all have those!)?
- Which ones make you cringe every time you see it pop up on your calendar?
Oh honey, we are ALL right there with you!
Now, take out a highlighter and highlight the things you love and give you energy. These are the things YOU look forward to every week or month. If the thought “but so-and-so would be so upset if I didn’t do that” DO NOT highlight it! So-and-so is not making this list… YOU are.
Next I want you to take a sharpie and cross out everything that wasn’t highlighted. (Don’t grab that highlighter… you already put it down!) You are crossing out the things you need to transition to someone else or give up completely because they are sucking your life out of your life!
“But Heather…” But nothing. We’re going to talk about how you deal with these in a minute, just hang on.
Change Your Schedule
Now it’s time to CHANGE your schedule.
Musts
The first thing that goes on your schedule are your “musts.”
“Musts” are the things you absolutely have to do to keep the basic four walls of your life standing (housing, food, clothing, transportation).
“Musts” are things like work hours, car maintenance, grocery shopping, meal prep, medical appointments, all of those things that contribute to your family’s ability to function at a basic level.
Needs
The next thing to add to your schedule are your “needs.”
Needs are everything that helps your family function effectively. It’s the “life” in your life. It might be extra-curricular activities for your kids. It could be date night with your husband. These are the things that make you feel like you are living.
(HINT: If one of your kids’ extra-curricular activities got the sharpie treatment in your list above, it’s time to have a conversation with little Johnny. You may be surprised to find out he feels the same way you do about that soccer team!)
Wants
Finally, add your “wants.”
This is where that list comes in. The items you highlighted because you enjoy them, see if they fit in around your musts and your needs.
Everything under the sharpie lines… those go in the trash.
“Tough” Conversations
I put tough in quotes because these are usually a lot easier than we make them out to be in our heads. We expect the other person to completely freak out and lose their mind because we are withdrawing from their activity. More often than not, you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you deliver an honest no!
Recently I had several of these conversations. One by one I told people that I would not be available to support their event or contribute to their group. And guess what? No one’s head blew up! No one chastised me for being a bad person because I was backing out. They understood, they appreciated what I had done, and then we moved on.
“But Heather, what do I say if they ask why?”
You say I’ve got too much on my plate and some things had to be prioritized.
You say my family needs me to be present right now in their lives.
Or you simply say you don’t want to go into the details. After all, it’s none of this person’s business why. TRUTH!
Ok, ok, if you live in the South, here’s a couple more options… lol
- I’m finding this responsibility takes more time that I expected and I am unable to give it the time it deserves to be successful.
- I’m honored you trust me with this responsibility, however it is not something I can accept right now.
There are so many great ways to say no. Pick what works for you and your situation, then stand in front of the mirror with your head held high, your shoulders back, a smile on your face and practice your statement.
There is NOTHING to be ashamed of, so don’t act ashamed or embarrassed. If you need it, practice it on your spouse, your best friend or even your dog.
Remember, you are giving them an honest no, instead being dishonest and saying yes! Be honest.
Stop the Hijack with an Honest No
Next time you’re standing in front of someone telling you how great you’d be at leading the annual fundraiser, or talking about how they desperately need someone like you to organize this year’s Fall Festival, STOP!!!
Ask yourself what you have to give up in order to say yes. Because let me tell you, you’re gonna give something up!
Is it time with your family?
Is it your weekly yoga class?
Will it be your devotional time?
NOT WORTH IT!
Don’t let someone else hijack your schedule. Ever. Again.
Your time is one of the only things you have complete control over. Don’t give someone else the opportunity to control your time. YOU get to choose.
Choose the honest no over the dishonest yes.